Run Before The Depression Hits!

It has been awhile since I've done anything with the blog, sorry folks. As so many of you know I have been dealing with some medical issues that have been not just a physical struggle, but a pretty big emotional struggle. 6 years ago my doctors did a biopsy on my uterus and found several pre cancer cells that were threatening to form into cancer. They removed the cysts and cells and put me on hormone treatments to prevent it from coming back. The medicine worked for awhile and then the cells started forming yet again. So we re did the biopsy and took the cysts and cells out yet again and then went back to the drawing board with the hormone treatments. As of right now things seem to be in the clear, I go to see my oncologist next week to see what she thinks. I will have to always worry about this popping back up. Last time I saw Dr. Crowder (my oncologist) we talked about how I would probably never conceive children. I had never given a family much thought up until that point; but when she told me this, it felt like a part of me had been taken away or as if I am broken somehow. I struggle everyday not to harbor harsh feelings towards myself or my Heavenly Father....but a lot of times I fall short and I find myself trying to lay blame somewhere. Last week I had to run to the store to find some things for a dear friends babyshower, while in the store I found myself looking at the baby items and then across the aisle was the discount Valentine candy. Needless to say I started crying like an idiot. Why do we have to feel these emotions, ugh I hate emotions!! So that is where I am with the health issues, most days I am just fine and then there are a few days where I wonder if I am doing the right thing, or if I should just give into the pre cancer and see what happens...maybe a hysterectomy is the answer; but those thoughts I try to push aside and just try to find my mustard seed of faith in my doctors and in my Heavenly Father. How how something as small as a mustard seed can seem as big as a mountain.

1 comment:

Brenda said...

Love you Sarah and I feel your struggle. I am 43 now and never conceived a child of my own.... But in so many ways have loved and cherished so many children that the words your own no longer matter. Yep keep running.... that depression is always close on our tails and it takes real work to keep it at bay. Call me anytime.