Run Before The Depression Hits!

It has been awhile since I've done anything with the blog, sorry folks. As so many of you know I have been dealing with some medical issues that have been not just a physical struggle, but a pretty big emotional struggle. 6 years ago my doctors did a biopsy on my uterus and found several pre cancer cells that were threatening to form into cancer. They removed the cysts and cells and put me on hormone treatments to prevent it from coming back. The medicine worked for awhile and then the cells started forming yet again. So we re did the biopsy and took the cysts and cells out yet again and then went back to the drawing board with the hormone treatments. As of right now things seem to be in the clear, I go to see my oncologist next week to see what she thinks. I will have to always worry about this popping back up. Last time I saw Dr. Crowder (my oncologist) we talked about how I would probably never conceive children. I had never given a family much thought up until that point; but when she told me this, it felt like a part of me had been taken away or as if I am broken somehow. I struggle everyday not to harbor harsh feelings towards myself or my Heavenly Father....but a lot of times I fall short and I find myself trying to lay blame somewhere. Last week I had to run to the store to find some things for a dear friends babyshower, while in the store I found myself looking at the baby items and then across the aisle was the discount Valentine candy. Needless to say I started crying like an idiot. Why do we have to feel these emotions, ugh I hate emotions!! So that is where I am with the health issues, most days I am just fine and then there are a few days where I wonder if I am doing the right thing, or if I should just give into the pre cancer and see what happens...maybe a hysterectomy is the answer; but those thoughts I try to push aside and just try to find my mustard seed of faith in my doctors and in my Heavenly Father. How how something as small as a mustard seed can seem as big as a mountain.

Huge

So on ABCFamily there is a new TV show called Huge. It's about these kids at Fat Camp, it is fictional and hysterical! I think I find it funny because I can relate to it. I've been trying hard lately to work out at night after work, motivation lacking. Anyway, will post more later.

My Dog has a Blog!!!

http://jaspersbarkings.blogspot.com/

Hey Everyone, just wanted to let you know that Jasper is now Blogging!!! I put up the first post for him just to show him how. Hopefully he can handle it from now on!!!

The Wedding

My Expectations.....Too High?

So, with the dreaded Valentines Day rapidly approaching, here I sit in spinsterhood. Normally my best friend Andrea and I make fun of it and spend that day with each other watching movies and we refer to it as S.A.A.D (Single Adult Awareness Day). I don't really care if I have a guy or not, but I miss Andrea. She is in Idaho this year, so we won't be able to spend it together.
But I got to thinking about my expectations in any guy I date; maybe my being single is my own fault. So I've compiled a list and here it goes:
1. Makes me laugh (OUCH MY SIDES HURT! LOL)
2. Can grow to love me unconditionally (Oh Ret, Where will I go, what will I do?)
3. Listens to me when I'm talking as if what I'm saying is important...even when it isn't. (Listening is a big thing for me...)
4. Adores being around me, yet adores my independence.(where did she go now?)
5. Laughs when I am trying to be corny (what is this crazy chick doing now?)
6. Can be serious with me and have in depth conversations (I wish more people tried to do this.)
7. Encourages me to be a better person (Get up soldier NOW NOW NOW!)
8. Doesn't have to be romantic, in fact I don't expect it but does something nice often....this may not make sense Sorry(Here's a flower, now make me dinner)
9. Talks to me as if I'm his best friend (meaning trusts me with the things he would share with his best friend)
10. Is competent (Pick up after yourself do I look like your mother?)
11. Educated (Yes Dr....your wife is lovely)
12. Can hold down a decent job (Would you like fries with that?....NO)
13. Loves my family (In all our craziness)
14. If you are 30, been divorced twice, living at home with mom and dad....I'm not even going to give you the time of day.

There are many more things...but this is a general list. Let me know what you all think.

Never had this before

So I went to the doctor yesterday because I developed an infection after surgery that doesn't seem to want to go away. As we were talking I told him about my cramping and me being emotional. He said I am now experiencing PMS, apparently my body was not producing the hormone that causes me to have these symptoms. So I either have a choice between cancer or PMS. I asked if I could chose the cancer, he told me "NO" and if he found out I wasn't taking my new pill he would hunt me down and smack me over the head. I am now on a drug called Provera, and is something I will have to be on for the long haul. Luckily I only have to take it 12 days of the month.

I'm also now enrolled in a Human Anatomy class, this is a class I need for the medical coding certificate. I am excited and nervous at the same time, but it will be well worth my while. I was looking up medical coding jobs online and saw that I could be making $36 an hour!!!! WHOA! Anyway, need to get off of here, was just updating the blog.

Remembering Life at 5

Today is October 11th; the day before my sister Brenda and my anniversary of our car accident. I don't remember much from being 5; but for some reason, I have a pretty good memory of the car accident. I remember I was turned around and kneeling on the floor and using the front seat to color. I was talking to Brenda and telling her about school and a joke I had heard. I don't remember the exact moment of impact (which I am grateful for). But I do remember waking up and the dashboard was over me and I couldn't move. I had very little space to look around, but I noticed that Brenda was no longer in the car. I tried to look around for her, but again, I couldn't move.
I don't remember crying at all during this time; I just kept wondering if anyone realized I was in the car. A few minutes passed and I could hear a siren and several voices, still, no one seemed to know I was still their. At this point I was attempting to get my hand up to the window in hopes that someone would see it. I guess Brenda was already in the ambulance at this point, she was pretty bad off (though I never saw her until later). She once told me that she had told the paramedics that I was still in the car, so I'm sure they told someone else.
About 5 minutes passed, and I heard a male voice very near the car "Oh my God, we have a child in here, hurry get the door off."
At that point I was becoming a little unconscious again, but fought to stay awake because I was scared, but still never cried which worried everyone for some odd reason lol. I watched as they cut the door off, and can remember the face of the firefighter who stayed close to my head and talked to me to keep me calm. He was an older man, but he seemed very happy, he had laugh lines. I watched as they cut the dashboard away so they could pull me out. They handed me off to an older woman who had pulled over to help. She told me her name (but I can't remember it) and told me she was a nurse. She sat me on her coat on the side of the road, and about 3 other women surrounded me and covered me with their coats because I had said I was cold.
I kept feeling something running down my leg and it hurt. I was trying to look at it, and the lady who was a nurse said it was probably better if I didn't look at it. But me being the stubborn person that I am insisted on it. So I picked up my leg to see a large gash.
I looked up at the 4 very nice women who were doing everything they could to keep me calm and asked where my family was. They told me that my sister had gone on ahead in an ambulance, and that my parents had been contacted and were trying to find a ride to the hospital. They were trapped in Mexico, Missouri where their car had broken down and that is where Brenda and I were headed.
Finally 2 paramedics came over with a stretcher and loaded me onto it, and I thanked the nurse. I was loaded into the ambulance, where I didn't want to lay down. I tried and tried to sit up and see if I could find my sister (I had just understood that she was in an ambulance, but didn't understand which one). The paramedic was a very pretty blonde lady who must have been in her early 20's at the time. She showed me pictures of her kids, and gave me a some stickers, anything in an attempt to keep me laying down.
We finally arrive at the hospital, and my parents are their. My dad sat in the room with me while my mom was with Brenda. My dad held me while they stitched up the back of my leg and checked the rest of me out. Then my parents switched rooms and my mom sat with me for a little while. When I was done with the doctor, I remember Uncle Jim Tomlinson coming to pick me up at the hospital. That way both my parents could stay with Brenda because her hip had been crushed and needed immediate attention. He took me out to eat and then took me home and sat with me and my siblings for awhile.
I don't remember much else about that year, except Brenda stayed in the hospital for what seemed like an eternity. That year, somehow, my mom managed to make my Halloween costume. I went as a princess and trick or treated around the hospital so Brenda and the nurses could see me. I remember hating going back to school and cried every day after that when I went. I had a horrible teacher that year that didn't seem to really understand or care. But luckily I had a good principal who sat with me until I calmed down.
Every year since, Brenda and I have celebrated life, we both could have easily been lost that day. My dad had gone to see the car after the accident, and a few years ago told me that the entire front end had been ripped off and it was amazing that we weren't worse off. So I ask you, what have you done to celebrate lately? Have you told those close to you that you love them today? If not, go hug them and let them know. Take life a little slower, everyone is in such a hurry...we hurry so much that we miss out.

I'm keeping the Hospital in Buisness

So I went to see a urologist this week because I've had this UTI for over a month. I ended up getting a catheter...YUCK and OUCH! I guess the good thing that came out of it is my doctor had a very sexy voice. Let's see, since I last posted, I got a puppy. Which most of you know. His name is Jasper and he is a puggle, pug beagle mix. He is cute, but VERY VERY active. I guess that is normal for any puppy though. Anyway, I really feel like I don't have much to report right now except those two things. Just trying to get by until December when I can have my surgery and find out more. Love ya'll.

Life's Lessons

It's funny how in life we can learn so much in the most unexpected ways or places. I've learned that life can change in the blink of an eye, it moves fast so we need to make the most of the time we have. We aren't always going to get what we want, but the things we do get make us better; whether they are good or bad. Sometimes people hurt you, and you have your choices on this. You can choose to let what they say or do truly affect you, or you can simply walk away. The 2nd part is the hardest, but once we learn this wonderful trait, life will be so much more simple.

You will get your heart broken at some point, you will also break someone's heart. Just remember to be as kind as possible and remember how you felt when it happened. Sometimes we aren't given choices, we just have to roll with the punches. Sometimes the choices we are given just plain suck, we need to choose the better of the two evils. Everyone needs a friend. Love doesn't come freely, everyone pays a price. Learn to notice the little things in life. Everyone should watch at least one sunset and sunrise in their lifetime. Carry a camera with you, you never know when you will want to remember something.

Dance like no one is watching. Travel to somewhere you've never been. Love like you have nothing to lose. Learn as much as possible about all the things you can. Open Up. Repeat as needed, but not particularly in this order.

Get Lost so you can find your way back. Go home, it doesn't matter if your are 15 or 95. Be generous, doesn't matter if you have everything or nothing at all. Discover your past, it can be the best part of your future, but don't dwell on it. Love your family, they did the best they knew how to do. Don't blame them for all the crap in your life. Let the people who are important in your life know it. Most importantly, love yourself, sometimes we are our harshest critics.

The Things That Make Me

Things you may not have known about me, but now you will!!! Scary huh! So here goes! I listen to classical music during thunder storms for a better effect. I like to stop and smell the roses. I hate my hair longer than my shoulders, I think its harder to take care of. When it comes to pain, I'm a big baby. I love to wander off and explore. Bookstores are my weakness. You can generally tell my mood by what music I'm listening to. I love being around people and having people's attention, but when it comes to giving talks and speeches I am noticeably nervous. I HATED junior high. I'm a flirt, if you haven't noticed. I think it's funny to embarrass my parents. When I'm an old lady, I want to be the old dog lady that has bright red hair and goes to Bingo every Thursday with my bag of rabbits feet and lucky ducks. I'm a daydreamer to a fault. I think the general public is full of morons and idiots. I'm afraid to get to close to people, my fear of rejection gets the best of me. I look up to my siblings. I love having my hair played with, I find it relaxing. I'm afraid of failure. I do everything I know how to succeed. I read to much into things that I shouldn't. I hate being dependent on people. My favorite scene in the world is at River View Park in Hannibal overlooking the river.

6 Months and Waiting

News from the doctors appointment in Columbia: Dr. Hunter seems to believe I need a hysterectomy and soon. I was giving pretty much two options, one have a hysterectomy now and not worry about the things to come. Two, take a hormone pill for 6 months, have another DC and biopsy surgery to see what the cells are doing. There are major risks with either choice, the hysterectomy we know the risks and the outcome of not having kids...but I won't have to worry about cancer. The risks of the medicine is that it curves my appetite and will probably make me gain weight, also I have a 30-50% chance of the pre cancer cells forming into cancer. Those are high numbers but what I keep thinking is "So I get cancer, but when? Do I have a few months..few years...a decade?" There is no time limit as to when or if the cancer will form. Is it worth it to risk it and see? Seems like I am just choosing the lesser of two evils right now, I told the doctor I wanted the meds. 6 months is 6 months, no sense in making such a drastic choice right now, right?

I'm sick of Doctors, and Yet Can't Seem To Stay Away!

Hey boys and girls! Been a few weeks since I posted. What's been happening since then you may ask well...I have been to see Dr. Bennett, who I LOVE by the way. He is the best OB GYN I have ever been too. I have been in for surgery and have gotten the following results. I had a lot of palups on my uterus and in my cervix apparently. I had a lot of pre cancer cells as well. I am being referred to a doctor in Columiba more or less for a consultation to make sure that he agrees with what Dr. Bennett is saying and treating.

Anybody ELSE engaged?

So this week alone I have gotten 3 wedding invites as well as helping another good friend of mine with her wedding plans. It truly feels like everyone else in the world has someone and I'm stuck here in singleton. I'm not really saying I need someone to make me happy, I think it's more that I am feeling a little left behind and more like a third wheel with anyone I hang out with. I've always been little miss social...so I'm not really sure what to do now. I do have a date coming up, but unfortunately neither of us could get together until the end of May. I guess that is something to look forward to.

Memphis

I want these!!!

Is it Friday yer???

I'm ready for it to be Friday, I'm ready for a vacation! Memphis should be fun, Andrea and I have a lot of stuff planned out. I doubt we will get to see everything that we want, but with any luck at all we will! Andrea and I are both history buffs, so we are visiting a few museums and music stuff. Even though it's just a 3 day trip...I plan on it being an adventure. Why you may ask, because I will make it one! That's about all I have to talk about right now, more to come!

Prince Charming Applications

Ok, so when I was younger (15-18), whenever I was at a church dance or an EFY or something I would hand one of these out to all the guys. Everyone seemed to get a kick out of them, I even got a few back filled out. If you know of anyone to hand them to and have them send one to me with a picture that sounds good to me HAHA!!

Prince Charming Application

1. Full Name:

2. Hometown:

3. How many people are in your family:

4. Are you currently working, in school or both:

5. What is your life's ambition:

6. Favorite Song:

7. Favorite Movie:

8. Where would you take me on our first date:

9. What one question would you love to ask me:

10. Could you flatter me:

Extroverted Person Living in an Introverted World

I've been back in Hannibal for pretty much a year now, and it hasn't been the worst thing in the world. But today is Saturday....and I went to the movies....BY MYSELF!!! It's hard to make friends here when everyone I come into contact with is at least 10 years older than me and seems to be in a relationship. Even my friends in Columbia seem to have moved on, having relationships, having different jobs, having babies, etc etc etc. I tend to be the social butterfly, so when this happens, it drives me nuts!! Hopefully I can find something that will fix this situation and soon.

I think a hysterectomy sounds GREAT!

Same old medical problem, my period, only WORSE! The nurse practitioner put me on birth control which seemed to work for a whopping 5 days and then my symptoms came back only much much worse. I've been lucky in the sense that I've never really had cramps with my periods, that is until I started birth control. My next appointment with the nurse was scheduled for two days after my birthday, but I can't live like this anymore. I am going straight to a doctor because I'm fed up and I can't live like this! I feel more tired, more irritable, cramping and just a general YUCK. I just would like some general answers as to what is going on beside "oh it must be due to your weight." Excuse me but that isn't an acceptable answer, there are many big people in the world that don't have this problem. I understand weight can play a part, but....c'mon! I sure hope my doctor can give me some answers, keep me in your prayers

Don't Pee on the Police Station!!!

This weekend was my friend Michelle's 30th birthday. I drove to Columbia Saturday morning to hang out with her for the weekend and be her designated driver as she planed to drink (a lot). I typically have no problem being the designated driver, I rather people be responsible and call me than be stupid and stumble around or worse...drive. Plus, being the designated driver gets you some good blackmail stories!!! My friends are pretty cool too and always show their appreciation for me driving them by treating me to dinner or buying me soda's while they drink. I don't expect them to do this, but it's nice that they do it.

ANYWAY, we went to Mc Nally's in Columbia and it was PACKED, so we had to opt for a table outside instead of inside and it was chilly. Of course I was bored with nothing to really do but babysit a group of drunken adults. I played the bathroom monitor and pretty much made sure no one hurt themselves. When we went to leave Michelle couldn't make it up the hill to the car, she was 'sick'. So I had to run and get the car and pick up her and 3 other friends of ours. Two of our friends decided they wanted to walk over to the police station and pee on it. Not a good idea, especially considering that their was a group of police standing outside. So I had to wrangle everyone into the car and get them buckled in. Then the two that wanted to relieve themselves rolled down the windows so they could yell at the police. I am grateful to have automatic windows, I rolled up the windows and put it on lock so I was the only one who could control the windows.

I managed to get everyone home and in good condition (even if they weren't sober.) But let me just say....it wore me out and I probably won't ever be a designated driver again (too much responsibility and stupidity.)

The Birthday Bash

My dad's party was a big hit. I am so glad that we had so many people show up (55 people filed through the house.) He seemed to have a lot of fun and was surrounded by family and friends. Here are some pictures of the lovely event.